One of the hardest aspects of relationship loss, and divorce is the feeling of having no control over the process. The fear that comes along with uncertainty and unpredictability can add stress to an already overwhelming situation. In addition, any influence you may have once had with your ex has disappeared, and they may even be working against you. The natural response is to resist and push against what you don't like, yet this is not usually the most helpful approach.
After a relationship loss, it is common to get stuck trying to control the uncontrollable. Spending time thinking of all the things the ex should be doing differently is a diversion from painful feelings about ourselves. Unfortunately, using energy in this way just prolongs disentangling from the former love partner. It is not our job to be judge and jury when it comes to our ex - or anyone else for that matter! However, it is our job to understand, have compassion for, and heal our own pain,
Surviving during the process of disentangling requires redirecting focus to ourselves over and over again. It helps to remember that we are not usually upset for the reason we think we are, and it also helps to expect that others will always behave how they want to behave. All we need to notice is how we feel, the thoughts we have, and then to take steps to genuinely soothe our own upset and fear. Finding an oasis of certainty, comfort and stability is much needed. A trusted friend, a favorite place, being out in nature, returning "home", seeking out old friends, and taking part in spiritual practices can all reprogram our brains to slow down.
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